It’s been awhile since I have written anything on my blog and it has prompted various responses from my readers and friends which has caused me a lot of reflection.
I have resolved to write something not because I want to but because I feel I should explain to those who have found my blog useful or could identify with the things I go through and feel.
For some time now my marriage has been breaking down and there have been many things that have taken place over the past several months that has been unbearable at times both physically and emotionally. Which is why I have not written or even told my closest friends and family.
Is this the right way to handle things? Probably not. But it is the only way I know how and what I have always done my whole life. So I am doing the best I can with what I know.
One of the things that has been difficult to come to terms with through all this is that when the chronically ill go through a marriage break down it means so much more than just a broken relationship, the spouse is also a carer, nurse and someone who knows your medical situation better than anyone else in the world.
This is what is happening to me now.
My partner was for many years someone who knew my medications, my doctors, my challenges, my symptoms and all the other things that my diseases have been in my life. Losing this is a very hard thing indeed and is even harder to bear than perhaps losing the love we once shared.
For me to turn to my closest connections and to tell all the things he has done and all that has happened may find my friends and loved ones shocked, hurt and angry but they will not completely understand the role that he has played in my life beyond that of a husband and therefore how hard it is to come to terms with.
I could never have predicted this happening to my husband and I, I had believed that we were a couple that defied the odds of illness and marital break downs. I hoped we would be able to overcome anything given what we have had to deal with. But that isn’t the case.
Does my illness play a role in all this? On a very real level, yes. It can’t not. The person I have become and how much my illnesses changed me and effects me has definitely had a part to play. Even if it in no way excuses many things that he has done. Even now I don’t feel the anger and resentment that many people would tell me that I should.
Perhaps my illnesses has even effected how I cope with this situation and how I cope life in general.
Certainly from one perspective my illness has made me see life very differently and people very differently. Chronics generally have had to accept loneliness and feelings of disconnection for most of their lives with illness. Dealing with things internally and on their own becomes the norm. That’s a large part of why I have been.
Very few of my friends and loved ones can truly comprehend what this is like for me given that each emotional hurdle also has a physical price to pay. My health has completely crumbled and I have also had to contend with the worst flares of my life on top of everything else. It also means that I have never felt more alone and broken in my entire life.
I also have been careful not to give way to self pity, desperation and futility, but it’s an extremely fine line and easy to fall into. Being my own counselor at this time and also navigate the breakdown of a marriage is so hard that I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
My self worth and identity has suffered too. When you have life changing illnesses you try very hard to rebuild some sort of identity again but it is never as easy and solid as when you are a healthier person. Thus this current event is very hard on my psyche and has changed how I see myself again and how I see my future.
I am not looking for pity from my readers and followers, as this has never been who I am. But I do hope that the honesty and willingness to share my experiences with fellow Autoimmunes is helpful in someway, even if there are never easy answers or solutions. Knowing that someone may connect and relate has been the main reason I began my blog all those years ago, and still is today.
Trying to, once again, pick up the pieces of my life and pull together something that can help me keep going on is incredibly hard, painful, heartbreaking and, at times, beyond my capacity is one of the hardest things to do as an autoimmune, and it’s only other autoimmunes that can possibly understand what that means.
Feelings of rejection, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, fear, confusion and loss are all too familiar for those of us who have debilitating illnesses, but once again I find myself with no choice but to try and face it all as best I can and try to weather the storms of life … again.