Where Are They Now?
One of the hardest realities to come to terms with as a chronically ill person is the decline and disappearance of people from your life, especially those whom you may have been there for and helped in the past with love, support and money.
I discussed this with a friend just recently in a very sincere and meaningful way in order to try and make sense of it all.
Being an empathic person has always predisposed me to wanting to help others whenever and however I can. Whether they were friends, family or strangers, I always wanted to make a positive difference in some way. Perhaps I didn’t always choose the right way of helping, and I am certainly not suggesting that I am some sort of saint either. However I do believe that I have endeavored to be a kind and generous person in the course of my lifetime.
I also believe that my kindness and generosity developed from out of my own challenges and struggles and my understanding of what it is like to endure difficulties on my own. Kindness can be such a rare commodity when you are going through hard times of your own. Thus I began to want to be one of those people that offered a safe place during the storms of life.
It didn’t always go so well despite my best intentions.
Regardless though I found myself somehow finding my feet again after a difficult encounter or being taken advantage of, determined to believe that there would be some people that would prove their worthiness one day and justify my hopes and efforts.
I don’t believe I ever did anything with the expectation of being owed some kind of debt by the person. I didn’t want money or praise in return. I only hoped that my selfless acts might one day lead to good karma and the sense that I lived a good life and helped my fellow man in times of need. I hoped that it would somehow contribute to the overall betterment of the world and society.
I have to admit that I feel quite disappointed and disillusioned today.
As I look back and remember the many times I have given my time, heart, feelings, money, efforts, assistance and strength to many of the people in my life I am forced to ask myself the hardest question of all … where are they now?
The simple truth is that they are not in my life now and they don’t bother to check in or be a shoulder for me in my own times of need… There isn’t even the occasional greeting or casual enquiry from any of them.
Did my efforts mean so little in the grand scheme of things? It really does seem so.
As I look over the things of the past I am determined to learn from these experiences and that is the only reason I think of them now. I don’t intend to become older and bitter by these experiences but I do hope to become wiser and, hopefully, more at peace.
As I spoke to my friend she agreed emphatically with much of what I had said and had had some similar experiences of her own.
This actually made me feel even more disappointed.
I said to my friend that I didn’t see myself as having a finite amount of love, kindness, care and empathy or that I was ultimately going to run out of these resources; despite having given so much of these things away in the past. I knew on a very real level that their actions would not rob me of these things from my life entirely. Even the large amounts of money that I had given in the past did not mean that I was waiting for a reimbursement or Cheque to appear magically in the mail.
Money had always seemed to me like such a transient and unstable commodity during a lifetime anyway because we can never tell what is waiting just around the corner. It is also true that money can’t buy you the type of things we truly need in life like love, respect and acceptance.
I shared with her the times that my acts of charity and setting up charitable groups had even resulted in ridicule and betrayal. Not at all the outcome I could have ever imagined!
So what was to be learned and what should I take away from all of this? …because to me learning and wisdom are the most important outcomes of all.
I have to admit that today I have become far more introverted than ever and have withdrawn myself to a great extent. I am even more self reliant than I ever was and I am determined to not go through the pain and disappointments of the past. Although I am comfortable with the concept that life is struggle and that this truly is the underlying message of the human experience, but I also believe that we owe it to ourselves to not make the struggles even harder for ourselves so we must endeavor to learn the lessons as we travel through our lives.
Today I find that I have had to build higher boundaries around my precious and loving resources. My husband has been a grounding and guiding force in my life and has shown me how to stem my generous impulses, which in itself is an inner battle to override my own nature. I rely on him as a sounding board for so many of my decisions now as he has had to be there so many times in the past to help pick up the painful pieces and heal the emotional scars.
One of the largest breakthroughs that I made in comprehending all of these lessons is when I realized that not everyone has the heart, feelings, depth, kindness or spirit as I do and therefore to assume that they will treasure or appreciate the things I do is an incredibly large mistake and illogical and incredibly naive on my part.
Assuming that people are as loyal and loving as me may even be narcissistic in some way? … I don’t know.
Alternatively I have had to learn how to love myself and use that generosity and kindness on myself in positive ways and protect myself far more.
Learning how to do that at this stage of my life, whilst battling some of the most painful and frightening physical challenges, has been incredibly difficult and there are many days I wonder if I can ever really do it. Whenever I find myself asking if I can actually achieve this goal I am also reminded that I simply have no choice.
At this point on my life I have come to realize that there are a staggering amount of things in life that we have absolutely no choice over, despite all the positivist slogans out there insisting that we are in control of everything. Learning how to live more peaceful seems to be one of the things that we do have some choices and control over.
My aim from here on is not to carry around sadness, hurt, confusion and pain for all those who have disappointed me and disrespected what I have done, but rather the goal now is to let go of all of that baggage, release the confusion, lean into recognizing the depth I have and the soul I possess (despite it all), being proud of all that I have endured and, finally, being inspired to learn from the past.
I am truly, deeply and forever grateful for those handful of people who are in my life now and who continue to stand by me, no matter what. Those that have lost me or walked away could never truly have really valued me in the first place, and therefore I see myself as ultimately far better off.