It’s early into the year and although it’s been a mixed bag already somethings feel very different. I feel like there have been some real fundamental shifts and I am really very pleased.
What is different?
Well for a start I really feel such peace despite some of the challenges that still remain from past years. Despite my health still being up and down, and not where I would like to be, I don’t feel anywhere near as disappointed or stressed as I might once have been. I feel quite calm in fact. I have even been laughing a lot, which is much more in line with my true self. My previous self.
I am really pleased.
I can only attribute much of this current mood and attitude to the lessons learned from last year. A long talk with my husband about how I have taken the events from last year and processed them has made us both feel a lot stronger. It’s been a shift in both of us really.
I spoke with my husband about how I feel far less annoyed and frustrated by my harder days and I now simply do what is needed with a lighter heart… and far less self punishment. I haven’t looked down upon my body’s aches and pains as often as I normally do.
Could this be real progress?
I told my husband about my new confidence in being able to say no more and take being told no in a much more peaceful way. I am far less anxious about time lines and when things can be be done! This new patience is quite a milestone for me.
I talked about the things I wanted to achieve this year and the way I hoped to achieve them. It feels like I am being far more kinder on myself and my expectations. I also explained how I intend to view the part that my husband plays more differently. In the past I felt constant guilt at having to ask him to take on certain tasks and roles but for some reason I don’t feel that so deeply anymore. Progress!
After all these years I feel like I am no longer over thinking how to try and correct my body and what it’s doing. I am not going through my usual loop of 1. Should I change diet again? 2. Should I add a supplement again? 3. Should I do more research about new therapies? 4. Should I worry about what is going on internally? Or the constant worry of … 5, Am I doing enough?
Nope. All those thoughts have almost completely disappeared and I am living differently from moment to moment and it feels good.
I am also almost completely disinterested in other people’s opinions and judgements of my life and this too feels completely amazing.
The way I am dressing has changed. The way I look at things has changed significantly. And the way I intend to move forward through this year has changed.
It’s not just a case of ‘new year, new me‘ it’s far more significant than that, It’s real!
For example, the other day I missed a call from a friend and in the past it would have triggered a whole painful inner dialogue about how bad I felt not being able to talk to them. I once worried that they would think me rude. I once worried about how long it had been since we spoke and how the person might give up on our friendship, despite my deep affection for them. I once worried about how or when I could return the call in order to reassure them and let them know I care for them and so on and so forth… Not anymore. Now I simply smiled at the idea that after all these years we still care and think of each other. It felt good. And that’s all I thought about that. Peace.
Last year both my husband and I noticed the very real effects of time on our bodies and how our age was now much more visible. We look older. We have more grey hairs. We have extra weight. We have wrinkles. But we both feel completely okay with it. Truly. It actually feels as though this is real milestone for us both. A weight has been removed from our shoulders. Unlike many of our older friends and associates who have thrown themselves into gyms, beauticians, plastic surgeries, therapies and various other inspirational searching and life overhauls, we actually feel like we are truly at peace with our changing bodies, changing lives and changing goals. Peace.
Granted, we have decided to make some diet changes in the amount of meats and foods we eat, and have both agreed we don’t want to have official mealtimes per se but rather to have healthier and more frequent snacks throughout the day, this however motivated more by environmental thinking and our wish to do constructive things for the planet.
Another huge change has been the way I used to constantly try to fit in with the rest of the worlds living and sleeping patterns. I have finally given up on this constant guilt and struggle. My health has constantly put me at odds with the worlds clock and I have spent so many years beating myself up about it all. Trying to sleep 8 hours every night between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am just doesn’t work for me and I have finally accepted this. It’s a real break through for me and for us. I won’t feel guilty about not meeting others time scale or clocks. I am at peace at existing outside this.
Many times I can’t sleep for pain, I have interrupted sleep due to pain and various other symptoms, or I have such fatigue that I can scarcely move and therefore must sleep as often as I can. I don’t have a regular pattern despite the world (and doctors) constantly harping on about it. I really think it just shows complete lack of understanding on their part. I no longer want to feel guilty and angry at myself (and my life), so I don’t!
Now I sleep when I can and when I have to. I am resigned to not beat myself up endlessly. End of story. And it feels good.
These factors have all combined to put me in a new place this year. Unlike last year when I was project driven and desperately making timetables, I may still have goals for this year but regard them in very different ways. Good ways. Healthy ways.
It feels good.
It also has reminded me that despite being different from almost everyone else now, despite living differently from almost everyone else and despite seeing the world far more differently than many others out there, we are still able to feel good about ourselves and feel peace in ways that almost every other person who doesn’t have constant health challenges may ever understand or achieve… and it feels good!