As I write this piece I am laying here in pain and using my writing as a crutch and a distraction. I haven’t slept much lately and heat packs are covering my stomach and legs.
I have been told that the result of my recent CT scan identified a mass in my ovary (adnexal mass) and it suggests an ultrasound for further evaluation.
I keep asking myself why do all these things have to constantly barrage me? There is of course no answer except that that’s life! Whilst it may be the result of randomness and possibility it certainly isn’t everyone’s life challenges, and I think I have had my fill of pain and challenges for a life time.
My bloods show my white cells are very high and my ESR and CRP are steadily soaring, again. I don’t know what else to do to try and prevent these things from taking over and running my life. I keep trying. It’s like trying to run in quick sand. The harder to run the deeper you sink.
Late last night I sat and folded clothes and thought at least I can do that! I keep trying to think of things that I can accomplish from here. It’s important to me to always be able to do something. Even some small thing.
Fatigue takes over and runs most of my day now but my pain doesn’t allow sleep so it’s a weary limbo of fog and frustration. I hate this most of all because it won’t let me sleep and it won’t let me achieve anything.
I realized today that people have grown tired of me sharing my health battles and updating them on social media and I understand their reaction. They have become desensitized to my battles and any sharing now would only be wasted; so I won’t.
People want to read fun things, exciting things and be entertained by social media these days so I don’t blame them for blocking and skipping over anything boring and heavy. I am sure I would want to too.
Even the most hardened warrior and fierce fighter grows tired and weary at some point. We all lose our fight at some stage. I am at that point now and I know it is time to just simply be…
If surgery is in my future, for removal of this growth that is causing me so much pain, than I will have to find the strength to face it all. Physical and emotional strength. The only way I think I can do that it through tired resignation at this point and hope that there will be some relief in my future.
But not now.
Now I have to do whatever I can to manage the moments. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day.
It strikes me as odd that I have spent so long fighting my autoimmune fights that I had completely forgotten all the other fights that could come along… and they do.
How much is enough?
So here I lay with my little mass on my ovary, pressing on my organs and generally feeling like a rock has lodged itself inside me. Me and my Little Rock will need to work out how to sleep, shower and get along well enough until we can part ways.
It’s a warm sunny day outside and I dearly want to see my garden. I will endeavor to try and visit it later and hope that it is enough to keep my spirits going another day.
After all, tomorrow is another day…!