Everyone in the world is living with limits to what they know, what they have and what they can do. Sometimes we test those limits and we are constantly encouraged by society, and media, to push those limits in the pursuit of greatness. I used to believe that I could and that I should push those limits. Until my life changed.
The hardest parts of living today is accepting limits to my abilities and although there are many people who still say we must push ourselves constantly, I have learned that this is one of the worst things I can do to myself and my body.
Many people will disagree and they have the right to, but they also don’t live my life or have to cope with the results of what happens when I do push my limits… but I have to. Everyday.
It is not for lack of trying that I have reached this point. My goodness! If I had a dollar for every time I pushed myself and pushed hard!
You see, for people with chronic illnesses and bodies which are altered by illness and diseases the reality is that the more it is pushed, the more it pushes back!!!
A decade later and I still keep repeating this mistake!
Yesterday I was so tired and frustrated of being inside my bedroom I struggled to my walker, pushed myself to do some cooking (making a salad) and a little gardening (cutting some roses) and today is sheer agony. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the pain. Today I feel as though I have been hit by a car.
My world has been severely limited to where I go and what I can do… and I hate it.
Accepting limits does not come easy to me and perhaps that is the human condition? …We always want more. Pushing has made it possible to achieve many amazing things in my life but as I lay here in sheer agony and my joints screaming, I ask myself is it really worth pushing my limits now?
It has become my endless riddle.
I want to spend time with friends. I want to interact. I want to do things and experience things. I want more than this!
Only people who have knowledge of what I am talking about will truly appreciate the multitude of emotions behind what I am writing. Many won’t understand. But that isn’t my battle. My battle is learning limits and how to accept them.
These days my limits confine me to interacting with my husband and my environment in the best and only ways I can. It’s not easy to accept this and it has certainly declined over the past few years. And that is another problem in itself. My limits are always changing.
Even when I think I know where the cut off is, it is also constantly changing. So very frustrating.
Today my limit may be just to shower, read, interact on social media and maybe enjoy a a small meal with my husband. I can’t afford to compare this to what I was once able to do or it will break my heart. Over and over again.
Why is it so hard to accept limits as an ill person? I may never truly understand. But for now I have to be prepared to listen to my body, even when I don’t want to, even when I hate listening…and hope it doesn’t worsen.