I remember as a younger person I was more inclined to put myself in situations that tested me and made me face a lot of my fears.
I even enjoyed it!
Was it because I didn’t think about the consequences? Possibly. But I also felt (perhaps naively) that I would be able cope with whatever resulted.
I look back on this now and ask why has so much changed? Why have I changed so much?
Today everything I do has a toll and a price to pay. The types of consequences that are very real, far reaching and painful. Therefore I am far more fearful of things now than I ever used to be. It has changed me completely!
As I lay here today I am reaping the pain and disabilities that an hour or two in the garden several days ago have bought on. My feet hurt from walking to the bathroom. My back aches from spasms, disc degeneration and nerve pain that I don’t even understand how this has happened. They are just more symptoms added to the pile.
Not only do my actions have consequences but there are things that are happening that I have no control over or influence on. I must pay for other people’s actions and choices also. I must endure it all regardless.
It teaches me to worry and to fear what lays ahead in almost every situation imaginable. It has robbed me of my former self confidence and independence.
I know that there are many out there who say that they do not worry about the future and things that they can’t foresee. It is wonderful advice and I truly wish I were more like that. Truly. Perhaps I can be one day. But I am not there now.
I have never felt ok about having to spend such huge amounts of my life in a bed or restrained by my body. Never.
I am sure I am not alone in this.
Even though I know it is going to cause terrible pain, weakness, burning, aching and discomfort I will still try to work the muscles I have left and use the joints that hurt constantly.
I fear the day I may need surgery!
I noticed how long it took for my bruises and gashes to heal from my last fall. They are still healing now! How long would a hip replacement or spinal fusion take?!
The system has been breaking down and I don’t want to put more load on it than I absolutely have to… this is not like the person I once was. I would have taken it in my stride.
I feel far more vulnerable and fragile. The emotional repercussions of these diseases can never truly be measured and are constantly overlooked and ignored.
But the fear is real.
On the positive side I no longer worry about the small and petty things in life. The realities of chronic life are far more scary than anyone could possible imagine; unless you are here too.
Mindfulness. Distraction. Meditation and nature are the main tools I use to help control these fears. I hope they will be enough to see me through whatever comes along. That’s all I can do for now.