My ability to think and imagine has always been my greatest gift in life and also my darkest enemy, sometimes I can tend to think too much, and about many things simultaneously.
Over these last few years I have reached a point where I am gathering so many ‘what if’s’ as though I was plucking fruit from a tree.
It’s ironic that when we are racing through life we rarely have the time to stop and think about what we are doing or have done, and yet when we are forced to stop and think we wish were able to do more and stop thinking.
But what if…?
What if we had turned left and not right? What if we had stayed longer or left sooner? Does it even matter? Does anyone truly live without gathering what if’s?
Perhaps they are a sign of our confidence in ourselves and our lives. Do we begin to second guess ourselves more as we face difficulty living?
Perhaps people who are generally happy with their lives don’t have as many regrets, but those whose burdens are heavy tend to have more regrets and retrace a lot more steps and choices? …Perhaps.
I used to be the type of person who said “I regret nothing… because it made me who I am today!” But now I regret a lot about who and where I am today. I don’t like admitting it.
People never really understand the deep and crippling affects of illness on the psyche. It is devastatingly underappreciated.
What if I was someone who wasn’t burdened with diseases and disabilities? Would I be different today? Of course I would. How do I change this path it has taken me down? How do I change me?
I don’t think being unable to walk properly (or at all) is the only disability in the life, far from it. I think being unable to eat or lift your arm or see or make saliva are also disabilities! I think people who have no compassion or understanding are equally crippling disabilities.
But many people have to live with physical disabilities every minute of the day. Many people including me. How do we do this day in and day out?
These days I have more disabilities than abilities. I don’t like it. I don’t think I ever will. So instinctively my thoughts will turn to what If’s again.
Do many people who might be at the end of life or their abilities spend time thinking about what if? Even though it doesn’t change anything in the past, could it change things for us in the future?
I imagine parallel lives running simultaneously e.g. what if I had taken that job or moved to that place or met that person. What if I had been born to different people and circumstances?!… who would I be now and where would it have taken me? Like a stream of water pulling in different directions.
Today I have a lot of what ifs and no answers. I guess I must manage them as I manage everything else… the best way I can.