They are everywhere… Or so it seems.
People who are forty something’s and they are at the peak of their game. Even in their eighties. There are no boundaries anymore.
Oh to be disease free and so empowered!
I couldn’t feel more alone and alien than when I watch these people in all their glory… And here I sit in my pain and failure. Not very empowered and quite disappointing I am sure.
(Clearly from these messages this world does not have a place for me, or see me as anything of value.)
I was sitting in the car while my husband ran a few errands and suddenly a song came on the radio. Time of my life (Dirty dancing). I Flashback to my teens. I am watching the latest blockbuster movie at the cinemas, and my teenager friends are in raptures. The time of their lives! At that age I felt like mine was just around the corner and I was just waiting for me to arrive.
Now. Here I sit, unable to walk without pain, and I feel like maybe that song was never intended for someone like me. Or maybe I missed it?
Everywhere I look I see messages of people having the time of their lives and seizing the day. Carpe Diem indeed!
I am no longer relating to those messages and those people out there; everywhere. Where does that leave me then?
There are some chronically ill, disabled bloggers and advocates that appear to be having the time of their lives too and not letting their illnesses hold them back… they seem to be doing a much better job than me. I don’t even seem to be doing chronic illness right!
This year I have felt the days slide by in a painful haze and I am saddened by the loss of abilities and time. Sleep is fitful and labored and the time spent awake is difficult and tortured.
How can I turn this into the time of my life? How can I be an Autoimmune paragon? How can I overcome these diseases that have infiltrated every part of my body and system and live out my days in idyllic splendor?
I honestly don’t know!
I have tried all the traditional ways like affirmations, meditation, charitable acts and causes, selflessness, artistic pursuits, exercise (as much as possible), redecorating, gardening, giving, and travel (when I could).
But as time goes on and it gets harder and harder to function, the time of my life seems like a dream.
Today I woke at 2 p.m. after finally dropping to sleep at 4 a.m. with pain and exhaustion. Waking hourly to reapply heat packs, massage aching, stiff joints and reapply eye drops, mouth spray, drink water, move position, treat nausea, soothe stomach pains, take meds… once again the day is almost gone and it will all repeat again.
Do I think this is the time of my life? No.
But it is the only life I have and the only one I can give my husband and those I love.
Perhaps Autoimmunitygirl has more questions than answers for the reader but when I wrote this blog I promised to keep my writing truthful and authentic and my confusion and struggles are definitely that.
I am watching my darling puppy sleep on my lap. He never leaves my side. He is getting older and so am I. There is an enemy far stronger than disease and illness that no one can run from, cure or defeat; time.
Perhaps it’s not what we do with time but what time does with us?