Years ago I was an early riser and I would often be up to see the sunrise. I loved mornings! The start of a new day was always filled with promise and a little excitement. The slate was blank and ready to be filled with new experiences.
The smell of the air. The crisp newness of the day as the world stretched and came alive. It was like being present at a birth of a new day… it was a gift.
Today is a very different story. Sadly.
For example, today I painfully opened my eyes to see that it was approaching midday and I knew that once my husband had finished assisting me with stretching, medications, injections, massages, pain control, bathing and dressing … it will be after 12 pm.
To someone like me it fills me with a heavy heart. The only time I see the sunrise now is when I am up all night in pain. It feels so unfair.
I have wondered lately if I am only causing myself more emotional pain by dwelling on this fact. My husband has suggested that I am making it harder on myself and I should just flow with it.
If only it were that easy!
I have even tried to tell myself to see this like being a shift worker. I may not see the mornings but I hear the nights. I feel the noises of the night people and animals outside my window. The weather as it passes unseen. I hear the night creatures and smells.
You see I already feel as though the person I was has vanished enough. I liked her. She was far from perfect but there were things about her I really enjoyed. Like sunrises and morning walks.
My old life is all but gone, aside from the memories I have. Just like the people in my life have gone too. The routines and the habits are a passing memory now and embracing this new reality is so damn hard!!
I am trying so hard to open my mind and heart up to the changes. So hard. I am trying to see it as a change and not a vanishing. But. It. Is. So. Damn. Hard.
Perhaps some things that I liked about that girl can be deeper down?
Perhaps the guilt and self criticism I feel now are some of the old traits of that person who has been shoved into a horribly malfunctioning body and I am criticizing the hell out of the new me? Perhaps I am not being my own best friend.
In the absence of people in my life I have to be my own best friend now. I am finding that incredibly hard.
The other night I was awake all night with terrible pains and I saw the sun come up. I can’t explain the mixed emotions I felt being in pain and yet seeing an old friend, the sunrise, once again. It was painful and yet euphoric. Perhaps we will meet again?