What a word!
Years ago I used to like that word. I used to like a changing environment or a job which was always different. It was interesting. That has changed forever now.
As I lay in bed and watched my husband read, it occurred to me what unpredictable now means.
This is how I explained it to him …
Imagine if you had to live your life, everyday, never knowing when an attacker will come, from nowhere, and beat you mercilessly. Leaving you to carry the pain for an unknowable amount of time. Recovering slowly. Feeling a tremendous sense of injustice and anger. Frustration.
Until the next time. Always a next time.
That’s what it is like to me. That’s what it feels like to me.
Sometimes it may happen weekly. Sometimes I may have a short reprieve. I am not in control and I can’t protect myself. Only endure it.
There is no justice in it. There is no way to make it stop. And there is no way of knowing when it will happen again.
I must somehow learn to accept the fact that my attacker will always be there, and is merciless.
It doesn’t care what I want to do or when.
That is what unpredictable means to me now, and will mean this forever.