The Search For Life…


Many years ago now, as a young child, I used to dream of leaving my humble and rural roots and living an exciting and adventurous life. 

It’s ironic to me, as I lay here in pain, that I would give everything to have a normal life. Or even something resembling a life. 

This doesn’t feel at all like life to me, it feels more like existing. 

I can’t speak for other chronic sufferers but I feel certain I am not alone. 

Isn’t it strange how we go through stages where we want things to be quieter, less stressed, more fun, more predictable, less predictable, more money, less responsibility… and on it goes. 

I was like that once. Always wanting something, and to be someone, that I felt I couldn’t achieve. Now I feel so foolish and wasteful about those times because they were amazing compared to now

Now I feel the daily pressure and pain bearing down on my constantly aging body. I know that there will be a time when I won’t be able to distinguish between the pain that chronic illness and Autoimmune diseases have given me and what is the result of old age. The hands that ache to type this will no doubt weaken further as I age. What will be a flare and what will be aging decline?

Sometimes it is extremely sad and sobering  for me to think that I will have spent most of my life as a pained, aged and decrepit person, instead of enjoying every wonderous decade. They have been taken from me. I don’t mind saying that I feel cheated. Very cheated. 

I am sure there must be others who feel similar. 

So, coming to the realization that the interesting and amazing life that I had yearned for is vanishing before me, I must admit that I am struggling to make some sense of it all and salvage some useful and sage like wisdom from it. 

I can’t press the rewind button. 

I can’t press the refresh button. 

I can’t wave a magic wand. 

And that’s where I sit. Waiting for my answers and my yogi like wisdom to appear. Always very aware that the clock is ticking and time is disappearing before me. How many doors have closed? Never to open again. 

I watch my husband age and wish that I was more of a partner for him. Perhaps that’s really the hardest regret of all, not just the life that I could have had for myself, but the life I would have liked to give others. 

Some people may read this and feel that these are the words of depression and darkeness, however few will realize that they are the very sober and truthful admissions of someone who is doing their best to be realistic and honest. But some people will understand. 

I am sure there must be others who feel similar. 

Gentle hugs, 

Trish. 

4 thoughts on “The Search For Life…

  1. I know that your words aren’t spoken from depression, but reality. My biggest, I was going to say regret but it’s more than that. It’s a very deep loss that I can’t do all the things I used to with my hubby; going out for long walks, going to gigs, to name a couple. So yes, honey, I get it. I get what you’re saying, totally. All we can do now is try to enjoy what we do do together, however small that may be. xXx

    Liked by 1 person

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