I wish…

Many of you will read this next statement and think “what?”  “…Is this girl insane?!” And variations of this theme. I do understand your reactions, but please hear me out. 

Here goes. 

“Sometimes, I wish I had been sick all my life…” 

“What!?!!” You may say. 

Here’s why. 

Because IF I had always been sick like this I wouldn’t know any different. I wouldn’t struggle with “why can’t I do (insert activity) anymore?!” … and the multitude of regrets and memories I have when I have been much more active and able for most of my life! 

I still. Even now. Think it’s intolerably unfair! 

I am tired of having to just accept how unfair it all is… 

Perhaps. If I was born unwell and with needles and IVs and wheelchairs and specialists, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid when there was yet another trip to the specialist. Yet another medicine. Yet another symptom. Or another time I missed out on life events or occasions due to illness. It would be just an ongoing story that I was well acquainted with and with no real alternative to long for. 

But I wasn’t. 

And I do. 

I still remember and miss dancing, walking, driving, careers, parties, impromptu moments and so many other things too many and too normal to name. 

I don’t think I may ever stop mourning their loss because I did them all and I took them for granted; like every other healthy person. 

… Until I couldn’t. Until I don’t. Until I can’t take them for granted anymore. 

I see the smiling faces of children who are used to injections and wheelchairs and there is a part of me that wishes “…if I was always going to be sick, why couldn’t it have been sick from the beginning…”

But mostly.

I wish I was healthy again. 

Gentle hugs, 


2 thoughts on “I wish…

  1. Thank you Autoimmunitygirl. I have had most of my AI illnesses since a very young toddler. I do understand where you are coming from. In so many things I have known no other way, so like everyone else I have made the most of what I have. Therefore I never felt a heartbreaking longing for the lifestyle or activities others may be enjoying.
    But, and here is the big but. As I have grown older,; I am 64, I now am and have lost the ability to do things that were such a large part of my life. Everything has to be scaled back or left behind.
    It’s things like not being able to walk on the beach., swim in the ocean, dance, throw impromptu dinners for friends, stay out for a whole day.
    This has made me stand back and reassesse my life, I became very aware of the things I never ever did.
    So adding these to the list of what I can’t do now was a sobering task.One that housed a lot of regret.
    Coming to terms with this is difficult, although I acknowledge I am fortunate that I had already had a series of coping mechanism both physical and emotional, just adding more and more was and is quite daunting.
    I often wonder how people whole have lead a healthy energetic invigorating life style do cope with what, in some cases , with such a sudden and permanent change. To MY thinking it would be far harder and the regrets and losses would be more profound.
    Well, that is MY view, as a person who has never known a life without chronic illnesses.

    Liked by 1 person

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