As I sit here on my oxygen machine and gripping my computer for dear life, I am struggling to write the words that are welling up inside. I am scared to admit it and see the words staring back off the page.
Because no one wants to hear these words at a time of celebration and festivities… but the truth is I am scared.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I will be at home again. Sick still. And in pain still.
Truthfully, I don’t feel like celebrating but I feel the heavy burden of believing that I should try to celebrate with the rest of the world, or risk being left out again.
So many celebrations come and go in a year but it is like a blur to me most of the time. And rarely am I in any condition to actually enjoy them.
It feels like it’s prom night and I am the only one without a date; only it’s all the time.
I am scared because in this past year things have worsened. I am clinging on to the bed because my sense of balance is gone and it makes me feel like I am continually falling and spinning. All the time.
How long will it last? I never know. But one day is bad enough and it’s been almost 2 months now.
I am scared because I don’t know how much I should and can tell people about my illnesses. I don’t know how they are likely to react. I feel like I may waste my precious time trying to explain when it is simply inconveniencing the other person.
I am scared that I will run out of meds to help me through this pain and struggle. That they will slowly run out of their ability to help at all.
I am scared that next year will mean being poked and prodded more to see how far things have progressed and what can/should be done next.
I am scared some well meaning person will tell me to keep my chin up and tell me to keep hoping that I will get better… It has become more than a little tiresome and boring.
I am scared that I won’t have any fun pics to put on Facebook to show my friends that I am trying to have fun and some sort of life… hubby is already telling me I shouldn’t bother pushing myself just to get a picture that will only serve to put me in more pain and exhaust myself further.
I am scared that I won’t be able to blog as much as I used to; even though it has helped me with my thoughts and emotions. But my tremor, joint pain and spasticity are getting worse, making it hard to type for long.
I am scared that life is passing me by and one day I will wake to find its gone.
I am scared it will be another year of endless Netflix and movie repeats.
I am scared. And there is no amount of positivity porn that can make it go away.
So I will rest and see what tomorrow brings. That’s all it seems that I can do.