Many people don’t realize it but not everyone will spend the holidays in a food induced coma or alcohol fueled joy. Many people don’t, and quite often this includes those of us who are chronically ill.
However… most of us still want to be able to celebrate.
I admit that I had been planning to celebrate the holidays with friends for some time now, in fact years. But as the months turned into days it became apparent that it wasn’t going to turn out the way I had planned. The way I had imagined it in my mind.
After all these years I shouldn’t be disappointed, but I am…
Even though I am used to being at home and not socializing that much during the year, it still doesn’t mean I don’t want to enjoy myself with others. At least a few times a year. It doesn’t seem too much to ask when I write it down, but diseases don’t care what day it is or what you have planned. Diseases don’t take holidays. Ever.
About a week ago my body decided that it wasn’t going to cooperate. It has been making it very clear that it will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants!
I can’t eat. I have no balance. My vision is blurring. I have killer headaches. And… my right side is coming and going.
Is it the weather? Is it the meds not working? Is it something else? Does it matter??
Even though I started increasing my prednisone (steroid) to a much higher than usual dose, it hasn’t helped in time.
It all amounts to the same result… I will be home (with hubby and furries) for Christmas. A bit like that movie, only with more pain and less mobility.
I know my darling friends will still have a happy day. I want them to have a happy day. I just would have loved to be with them… but this life, the chronic life does not come with any certainties except that life will always be uncertain.
I have started to not place too much attachment in any time or event as it can be incredibly hard when it is taken away. The feelings of failure and loss can be crippling… but learning how to look forward to events, and yet be able to let them go, is a very difficult task indeed.
I recall the Buddhist philosophy regarding attachment being the cause of all pain and suffering. To the chronic fighter it is one form of suffering, but not the only one. Physical suffering is another form too.
Chronic fighters must face many different forms of suffering, that’s why we place so much value in the little things. The moments. The in between moments… that helps us go on and go forward.
A flaring Christmas is a painful, nostalgic, joyous, sad, testing and humbling time. But it can still have love in it… And to me the most important ingredient in all that I do now is love.