The loss of two friends recently has had me thinking in some very different ways and whilst I am in no way trying to diminish the loss of those special people, it has provided me the impetus of doing some deep contemplation of my own.
The reality is that one day I will not be here. It is the natural part of each persons life and an inescapable truth. What is hard and what feels unnatural about death is the pain left for others. It is their suffering that remains whilst mine would be gone. So as I write this I am thinking mostly of those left behind.
It is my hope that when the time comes and I am no longer physically present for this world and my loved ones, that they will have the comfort of knowing that any suffering I had is finally gone; both physical and emotional. I hope that this fact will help soothe a lot of the feelings that they may have about my passing.
I also want them to know that they were loved, appreciated and respected in many different ways too deep to express or describe. Whatever divide that may have separated us is of no use or relevance any longer. No argument or disagreement worth worrying about and NO ‘if only’ that I would want anyone to spend a moment on. Ever.
I would also want them to know that they are free to say and do whatever they wish to help them manage this time and there would be no expectation from me that they would need to do or perform. I would not need them to withdraw and mourn to believe that they were hurt or hurting. If they needed to go on with the business of living and life, this wouldn’t mean my memory would be tarnished or be insulting in any way.
I wouldn’t want a big ceremony. I wouldn’t want an outward display or party in my honor… just a small corner of your hearts that would be forever a fond memory.
I would truly appreciate it if those who knew and loved me were allowed to do whatever they felt they needed to do, without fear or judgement. In fact anything and everything that my loved ones can do to help manage and cope would be wonderful. There is no should when someone must find the strength go on living. I hope that there is only respect and support.
Imagine if somehow I was able to supervise the process… anyone who really knew me would know how loving I was, and that I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt or suffer. It was my core principle. My main focus. I would like them to see, or try and see the good in things and the opportunity in a situation.
I would dearly want my loved ones to find strength in the knowledge that I loved them and want them to continue to find happiness… to actually find enduring happiness; daily and deeply. To make it a part of their journey and not their destination.
Happiness in the little things. Happiness in themselves. Peace in the small precious moments that they have everyday.
Those that are left would have the task of having to continue the journey and to make a life that will be filled with as much contentment as possible. And I would hope that it is filled with contentment.
I would also want my loved ones to know that I was at a stage in life where the only thing I would have changed would have been my health. In all other ways I had learned to accept myself and to make a peace with accepting others for who they truly are. I had found a dignity and honesty for having been able to say there is no such thing as perfect and that is the true way of things.
Any bump in the road or argument we might have had is not important. It is not to be used as a tool for pain. All is forgiven and I hope that they would forgive me too.
I would hope that they were able to find it in there hearts to not harbor resentment or ill will as this only weighs us down.
I would hope that by knowing me it had made some small difference, even if only to see things from another pair of eyes…
I would want friends and loved ones to remember the love we shared and to make sure that love is still put to use in whatever way it means possible. I always believed that love is everything. It should be the at the centre of all human experiences. What we do. What we eat. What we wear. Where we work. Who we spend time with. How we treat ourselves. Everything.
Having lived most of my life as an idealist it would be hard for me to imagine that I would die any other way, and so it would be my wish that my loved ones saw some of the things I tried to do as a testimony to how I believed we should judge less, love more, treasure our health, treat all living things with the respect they deserve AND be aware of how important and precious nature, and the world, really is. We own nothing but our characters. They are the only thing that is truly ours.
I would have wanted to do a lot of thanking! Thanking those who loved me. Thanking those who forgave me. Thanking those who stood by me. Thanking of those who made me laugh and those who made me think.
I am eternally thankful for those who truly accepted me for who I am.
If I wasn’t here… I would want all to know that it’s all the things that we shared and did together that made my life a life worth living. Love is really the only thing I would want to leave behind, so it can grow and grow and cover you all.