When I had to retire from my career I was terrified and asked what now? What will I do now?
When I started losing function and abilities. I looked at my husband and cried “what now?” Will this keep happening until I decline further and further? Is there a limit to how far this thing will go?
As time goes on and Meds have been taken, and none have restored me to my former self. That’s right. You guessed it. I ask myself “what now…?” Will there be other drugs or is this it?
When flares of pain and suffering come along more and more often I find myself asking “what now?” How long will this one last? How much will I have to endure?
I find myself repeating this question to doctors, specialists, nurses, husband and to myself. Almost daily to myself!
A chronic illness, Autoimmune diseases, a progressive illness is also a lifetime of asking the question “what now?”
What can I offer? What can I do? What can I look forward to? What is going to become of me?
So many questions and NO answers.
The only answers that fit into my circumstances and life now are … “I don’t know. But I have to believe that I can face it when it comes…”
I can’t afford to worry. I can’t afford the stress. I can’t afford to overthink it. I just have to let go and let it happen organically. And hope; always hoping.
I have to believe I will cope. I have to believe I can endure. I have to have the confidence that I am worth fighting for when the fight is hardest and I have to believe that it will all be worth it in the end.
I hope we will all have the love and peace we deserve when we need it most.
That’s all I can hope for for now…
What IS now is the only “what now” I can ever hope to understand.