When I was a child I think the thing that separated me from a lot of my friends and family is that I DIDN’T know what I wanted to be when I grew up.
My parents had some very clear ideas of what I should be, my friends seemed to me to be quite remarkable in that they all seemed to know what they wanted to be or wanted to do. I had no idea whatsoever.
Growing into an adult didn’t make it any clearer for me and so I just kind of drifted into things and people. I found that I was learning more about what I didn’t want to do or be more and more rather than discovering what I DID want. Perhaps it WAS helpful for those reasons. I see it more like that now.
The usual milestones like marriage and children were passing by, but still I was unsure how I wanted the rest of my life to look like. I enjoyed celebrating with my friends and discovering the true diversity that life was showing me. I also liked to think I tried to help and console with my friends through the ups and downs.
Without wanting to indulge myself further with the minutia of my life, it comes as a great surprise, and somewhat ironical, to me that after having lived half a lifetime and finding myself now much challenged by my health and physical battles, I have finally found the answer to my life long quest.
The only thing I have truly ever want to be is HAPPY.
No matter how it looks, where it is, who it is with and what view it has… Happiness is the ONE thing that I think we are all meant to pursue until our last breath. And for all of us it will look differently. Sometimes, we may even battle our very natures for it, or our childhoods for it. If we are overly critical and deeply analytical, we can often stifle our ability to be happy because we don’t ever allow ourselves to get close to it before our own minds will start building a wall to it. Sometimes it’s a true riddle.
I said to my husband, as I sat in my wheelchair watching him tend to our roses, that the only thing I would change about my life is my health. Perhaps this is the closest I have been to happiness but it is also one of the largest hurdles I have ever faced as well! It’s so hard when we make a breakthrough only to find another wall.
In every other aspect of my life I am happy and at peace with it, happy with myself and all that has taken place, except my health, but it is also the aspect I can control the least… what to do?
For now, my dear friends I must continue to struggle with this question. I don’t pretend to be any wiser, any closer, any better than anyone else at answering this particular question. I just hope that ultimately I WILL find my answer, and I hope that you will also find yours my dear friends.