I imagined a LOT different!!
I imagined a very different life AND so, it seems, does everyone around me… Except it isn’t.
It isn’t in my head in that it’s psychosomatic, but it IS in my head when I think about the pain I go through when I think about how life is not how I wanted it to be, let alone how everyone thinks it should be.
“Are you still sick?” (Sadly, yes.)
“How long are you going to be like this.?” (Probably forever… I am sorry if that’s an imposition for you..)
“How long are you going to talk about it for?” (Well… It is my life. Do you talk about yours?)
“You know you could have done so much if you weren’t sick all the time?” (I know. I know. I know. There is not a day goes by I don’t think about that…)
“What do you expect me to do about it?” ( Nothing. Just don’t be cruel or rude or hurtful. This is hard enough!).
“Have you tried seeing a shrink?”… ( Yes. Of course. I am always trying to find ways of dealing with this. Fresh perspectives. New coping techniques. New ways to bare the pain. But ultimately it’s not a cure. And it’s not them that have to live this way. It’s not a psychosomatic illness so seeing the shrink won’t fix me… And there are very few ‘shrinks’ that make house calls).
“You should try being more positive!!” (Oh really!!?!! What do you think I try and do? All day. Every day? …Did you feel positive when you were in pain? Unemployed? Divorced? Bankrupt? Alone? When you were grieving? …Imagine that happening everyday forever!!!!)
There are no simple answers or no magic words to give and receive at these times. They are just a mess of black, thorny, confusing torment and frustration.
And I write this in the hope that if you know someone, care for someone, love someone or are a doctor of someone who is chronically ill. Please. Please. Please remember. We CAN NOT be positive and happy all the time. We can not, and should not be expected to be, inspirational porn for a world that demands too much of those who already fight so hard.
We already know how hard the blows are in life. Let’s see the balance redressed to make way for the millions of those fighting the hardest fights of all… And they are the fights that will never end.