Oh … You Are Depressed!

  

Last night I barely slept. In fact I can’t remember a night that I get more than an hours sleep at a time, without waking in some sort of pain. 

Today I am literally emotional from the pain and struggle. 

My joints have never been pain free from RA since… Well I don’t remember when, actually. 

My tooth has broken from the damage the Sjogrens causes my body; and it throbbing away. I will go to the dentist for a helping of more pain later today. 

My dry eyes and dry mouth causes me to wake every few hours to apply new drops and moisturizers. 

My ‘accident’ in the wheelchair from smashing my legs on the weekend have rendered them black and swollen … And don’t they throb!!!! 

The cysts on my finger hurts so much I can’t move it. I only wish I wasn’t right handed!!!! Although, I dabbled with drawing with my left hand and it was quite better than a squiggle. 

And to top it off. My bowel and period pain have been the final nail in my coffin. Metaphorically. I am in constant, unrelenting, unforgiving and unbridled pain. 

Pain. I actually think that word is completely inadequate.  

I am tired of it! I am drowning in it. I am completely and irretrievably …. Over it!!! 

The saddest part is that if I were to talk to another doctor he would look at me and say … Wait for it … “You are most likely depressed…” And offer to send me to a psychologist or psychiatrist of his choosing. There is the door. Thank you for coming. Kaching! Thanks for the $300. “Next!!!” 

The Twitter world served up the term “justifiable sadness”. It’s true!! 

It’s hard to believe that the same medium that gives us daily Beiber updates actually gave up this pearl! 

I am justifiably sad. Reacting to pain and loss. Grieving. Fed up. Angry at the ignorance and condescension. 

I am so many, many things. 

I am in need of relief that will never come. 

I am losing the fight for control of multiple body and how it works. 

If I had been attacked people would be more understanding of these feelings. However the fact that the attacker is inside me is literately living with the enemy. 

This year is one of those years that has tested me and my partner in so many ways. From health (mine and his) to the loss of a loved Neighbour. It has been a very bad year. To the average person on the street, the fact of a job loss would be enough for them to call it a bad year. (Trust me I have had calls like this from friends…) however, I and many like me, loose so much every day, every week, every year. And in return for this we are isolated. Prodded. Disbelieved. Shunned. Alone. And told we are “… Probably depressed…” 

Lately because I have dared to defend these feelings and try to send a message of “be proud of your struggle and don’t let people make you feel embarrassed of your fight …” And I spread this message to my fellow Autoimmunes.  I was gutted to have them turn on me and some say that my writing is dark and negative. 

I guess I can’t win! 

I actually thought I was trying to help and defend our position…! 

Well. Dear reader. I am at a crossroads or where and what to do. Do I go on as advocate or blogger or return to the shadows again.?? 

Time will tell. 

First I must try and battle some very big fires before deciding. 

Thank you for your loyalty and for your constant feedback and kindness. 

You are amazing in my book. My only hope is that I have told you enough!
Gentle hugs, 

Trish 

2 thoughts on “Oh … You Are Depressed!

  1. Hi Trish,

    As someone with both an autoimmune and autoinflammatory condition, one thing that I love about your posts is that they are so incredibly truthful, and truthfulness is not the same as being negative. Truthfulness is simply about being honest and talking about things as they really are, rather than feeling that you have no choice but to put a positive, shiny gloss over everything.

    Due to society’s obsession with ‘positivity’, we are often too scared to talk about how hard it is to live with a health condition, and although it is sometimes good to be positive, we must also learn to deal with the negative aspects or feelings associated with a health condition. To fail to do so isn’t particularly healthy, neither is feeling that we must put a ‘positive spin’ on everything. Sometimes, the healthiest thing that we can do is either be truthful or vent. It is much healthier than feeling forced to wear that fake smile all of the time, and continue trying to be positive. Unfortunately, if we’re honest, putting a ‘positive spin’ on everything is something that many of us do just to keep everyone else happy, or to avoid criticism, and not because it’s the positive or right thing to do.

    Your comments about depression are also incredibly important. On the one hand, it is not unusual for people with autoimmune conditions to become depressed as a result of having to live with a health condition, but it is also common for someone with a health condition to be called depressed when they are not. I think that this often happens because someone has a poor understanding of a particular health condition, or because they’ve decided that your behaviour is indicative of depression. I always remember a friend accusing me of being depressed, simply because one morning I didn’t wake up and answer the phone until 10am – the suggestion being I was sleeping too much, and therefore, must be depressed. However, I’d been in pain for most of the night, and as a result, ended up oversleeping.

    Trish, you’ve being doing a wonderful job as autoimmune disease advocate, and please don’t let the ‘positivity brigade’ get you down! Living with a health condition is tough, and as you already know, it isn’t all angels and rainbows. You’ve simply been courageous enough to admit to that fact.

    Michelle. x

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    1. Thank you for your honest thoughts and feedback. I personally think that being real and honest about life and illness being us very special blessings and abilities. I love that I know people who give their honest opinions too. I have such respect for the people I write for and my own integrity.
      I like to talk about the things that mean stuff.
      Sending lots of love and respect your way xxx

      Like

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