Today was so hard. 
Why? Don’t know. 

Was it the heat? Maybe. 

Was it something I ate? Maybe.

Was it the news of neighbor passing away? Who knows. 

Could I have picked something up from the visiting neighbor last night? The risk I take whenever I meet someone or go somewhere as I am SO immune suppressed now. 

Is it the Meds leaving my system? … Let me count all the possibilities…
Is it just another “I wish I was dead and I have had enough of these bullshit diseases and living with these symptoms and unpredictable life” …. 

It just might be. 
At the end of the day I will never know.
Doctors can’t say for sure what to do. Going to hospital would be simply waiting it out in another bed other than my own. 
There are more questions than answers and more working hard just to stand still. Just to get out of bed. Just to breathe. Just to give Derek a wife. 
Today is a bad day and the worst part is that there is NOTHING I can do but to accept it.