Do I have the nerve to publish?
Why am I contemplating it? Here is why…
Last month I saw a picture of a wonderful woman showing her stomach and colostomy bag. I loved her. I felt no shame for her. I admired her and I was so so proud of her. So … Why I am not as supportive of my own struggles? I guess in the early years you get this mind set that no one wants to hear it and I should keep my problems to myself without ‘burdening others’. Many people wanted to dismiss it, even more wanted to believe it was all imaginary.
Today was a bad day. Which disease has flared? Not sure. IBD? RA? Sjogrens? Not sure… Although there are also some neurological symptoms thrown in which might have to be mentioned to the MS Clinic… Fun, right?
So basically my bones feel like I am being run over. My stomach is not handling anything more than liquids. My bladder function has gone on holiday. My right leg has NO feeling. My hip is immovable. I feel like death. The reason I am writing this at all is thanks to endone, stemitel, MTX, pred loading, heat packs, TENS Machine. Hubby. Imodium. Tramadol and LOVE.
In the picture you see my swollen stomach, my nappy, my heat packs, sick bag and my tens machine.
The topic of wearing the nappy was one of the hardest. Words like ‘depends’ and ‘catheters’ came into my life several years ago. I recoiled in horror. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Like a closet alcoholic, I hid it all.
Then I realized I did nothing wrong.
And here I am.
Press play or not?
Will it help someone? Someone like me?
Will it help the world if they see what these ‘imaginary’ problems do and what they feel like?
Do I care if I don’t get that modeling gig or if I miss out on the thrill of a endorsement deal? Nope!
If I lose anyone or anything through showing the world the truth. C’est la vie!
But most of all… I care about the autoimmune community and I care how much we love ourselves and our truth.
My mother used to tell me “wait until tomorrow and see what happens…” That’s probably the epitome of what life is like these days.
I hope ‘what happens’ is good for us all.