Today I realized after all these years I have a long way to go…
Autoimmunity Girl may still be a novice really; it was a very painful realization. Very painful. Very humbling.
I am not where I thought I was and I had successed in fooling myself that I was a lot further down the road than I thought. Then I looked back and saw the starting line just barely a foot away.
If the measure of success is how well you think about yourself and how well you feel about yourself, than I am right at the beginning again. That’s what a year lost to pain can do. That’s what a lot of tears and frustration can do. That’s what the specialist merry-g0-round can do.
You see besides having to feel ok about who we are and what has happened to us, we are expected to still be ok with ourselves even when we can’t cope with the side effects of drugs, when we experience more symptoms, or when we lose a year to pain, bed ridden isolation AND miss out on some friends and family events. I am not as bullet proof as I had hoped I was getting.
I am most definitely not where I thought I was or where I need to be to tackle the next decade.
It’s so hard to see these words and know they are true. I didn’t have to write them but I promised myself, those close to me AND my readers that I would always write the truth … and sometimes the truth hurts.
The thing about mental games is that you can lose them quickly. Even after a decade of working hard and training. One day you can find yourself right back where you started on the game…
And sometimes some games never end.