Yesterday was Methotrexate Day.
Today while I was shaking, vomiting, fever, aching and drifting in and out of sleep, every time I moved or groaned my husband was there. He was either heating up packs, bringing me meds or saying something soothing. He was up most of the night with me, he is up almost every night with me, and then even when I slept he would either snooze or do the things that any other normal household needs to do (wash dishes, feed pets, put the washing on, answer the phone).
You see, no matter how sick you are or how long you have been sick, the world really does just go on. Painfully. Annoyingly. Heart breakingly annoying. Tediously. And sometimes, reassuringly,
You see the world keeps ringing the phones, it keeps building houses next door, it keeps bringing mail, it keeps reminding you that you missed your appointments, it keeps sending you bills and it keeps forgetting how sick you are… It even forgets what my carer is going through and that makes me so sad.
As I awoke with the chills and nausea, I looked up to see my husband slumped over the phone doing day to day business and covering the yawning and trying to concentrate.
What happens to me outside my body, happens to both of us, What happens to me inside amounts to pain for both of us too, just different ways. Besides what I go through, D goes through sleep deprivation, anxiety, anger, pressure, frustration, sore muscles and joints (from lifting me and pushing me). He goes through a list of co-symptoms and, worse than that, he has to deal with a world that is going on and on.
It is both a burden and a comfort to him because while he is being pushed and pulled he will have an anchor for life. An anchor while I am sick and an anchor if something were ever to happen to me.
The rules and nature of life is the ultimate irony. It is a beautiful in its indifference to world events and suffering. It is also the breeding ground for where true acts of kindness and compassion can happen. The way a beating clock has a monotonous, predictable, calming, regulatory indifference. Life ticks. Life tocks. Time and life goes on.
Unfortunately when my body flares or symptoms progress I can’t press pause on all that is going on and that needs to be done. I can’t pause the birthdays, the anniversaries. Worse still, I cant press pause when my husband has a cold, a sore back, a flu, an anxiety attack or just plain needs ME…
You see I still want the world, and my loved ones, to need me, the me inside, the emotional me, intellectual me, but not to rely on the outside, physical me. Impossible? Almost.
Its when the world needs me, when life needs me or when loved ones need me… that’s when life and diseases are just plain cruel!