I cant tell you how much it hurts me to write this to you after all that we have been through together. The tears are rolling down my face so much I can barely see the words.

How did we let it come to this?

I remember all the things we used to do together; you and me.
We took on the world, as frightening as it is, and we somehow managed to live through it. And even when we took the blows of life, we helped each other pick up the pieces together and start over again.

How did it come to this?

I remember first kisses, first jobs, first rejections, first every things… we were always there for one another. We sat and cried together. We laughed together. We started dreams and plans together. We did everything together.

We were going to build a home, you and I, remember? Somewhere in the country and care for all the sick and unwanted animals. remember? We were going to build a sanctuary and write a book about it. We were going to look back at the end of each exhausting, back breaking day and drink wine and smile about how we finally did it… and feel a wonderful sense of peace. Remember?

How did it come to this?

You see, I trusted you with my whole life and all my dreams and everything that I am and I feel like you betrayed that!! I feel so very hurt and angry, but worse than that, as angry as I am, I sill miss you. I miss you so much I cant bare it. I keep remembering the way we were and I want you back so much. I would do ANYTHING to have you back.

How did it come to this?

Did I push you to hard? Did I forget to do something? Did I mistreat you? I know I was always hard on you and pushed you always to be better. I never complimented you. I always saw your weaknesses and never your strengths. I know I was cruel sometimes. It wasn’t easy learning how to love and respect you as I should; I know that now. Now that I don’t have you anymore. How can I show you how truly sorry I am. Does it matter anymore? Would it make a difference now?

How did it come to this?

The life I have without you is so hard and full of pain and struggle. There isn’t a minute of the day that I don’t ache and miss you. People don’t understand me anymore or see how I am nothing without you. They judge me and they cant understand why I can’t just get over it and go away and be quiet. Be silent in my suffering and loss. But I can’t. Because I was never meant to be without you or live without you. I am nothing without you. I will always miss you and I will always cling to my memories of you…

My darling, wonderful, healthy body.

I will always mourn you and losing you.

Its true that you never know what something is worth until its gone – I just never dreamed that it could be my own body that I would lose.